starting here.

The other day, I made the mistake of going to the website of All God's Children International, the adoption agency through which my parents adopted Elly. Bad idea. I casually clicked over to the photo listings of special needs children, and instantly fell in love with a little 7 year old boy from Taiwan with a cleft lip and a smile that will melt the coldest of hearts. My heart ached for his little sweet self, and would've have volunteered to be his mommy in a second if God had so prompted.

It's true, I already have baby fever. Not so much that I would like to be pregnant again. That is actually what will keep us from having another baby for a little while yet. But when I just love being a mommy to my little boy so much, wouldn't I love being a mommy twice as much to two babies? And with my parents adopting again, and the news of Lauren adopting again, and while reading Kisses from Katie and hearing her description of the millions of orphans who go to bed without a mommy every night, my heart aches so much for children out there I would call my own in a heartbeat. Or even for women and young girls, who can't take care of their babies at the moment and see abortion as their only option, both Josiah and myself would beg, plead with her to keep the baby, and we would love to call him our own in a millisecond. But Jesus says, not yet. 

It makes my heart ache all the more, feeling as though pieces of my heart are in Africa, some are in Asia, some are in countries I've never even heard of, some are with the women in the car on the way to the abortion clinic, while of course most are with my own beautiful baby whose smile I fall in love with more every day. But God says to those outside of my home, not yet.

Of course it's a little ridiculous. Josiah is still in law school (though not for too long yet), Gee is only 8 months old, and let's be honest, I have a hard enough keeping up with the laundry with just the three of us. But I know that should God send another child (or two or three) to this home, whether through my womb or someone else's, His grace would be sufficient through every day and every pile of laundry. But He still says, not yet.

I get a little sad. "But Lord!", I exclaim, "So many children need mommies, and I am willing! Why ever not?" But that's not for me to know right now. What is for me to know is that while I can't serve God the way I would like at the moment, I still need to serve Him right now anyway. I need to love on those people who just really annoy me. I need to do the dishes with a joyful heart, not a resentful one. I need to abstain from gossip of any kind. I need to edify, uplift, adore, love more than any other soul, and continually pray for my husband. I need to call my family more often. I need to do what He asked of me weeks ago. And I could always get being a mommy to one baby down a heck of a lot better. I need to start here.

I write this today because I need to remember. I need to remember that while God may say wait, He doesn't often say to stop moving. Yes there are a lot of broken people, broken children, in this world who need love (and a mommy), but there are a lot of broken people right here int my midst that need love too. And that is where God wants me to start. So I will keep moving, by His grace alone, but still might anxiously await the day when God says, it's time. :)